


Loneliness Lies

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 22:23:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13281072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Barbara Havers has always found it easier to pretend that she is fine with her life





	Loneliness Lies

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC... no copyright infringement intended
> 
> _I'm off the Lemsip now... angst is resumed!_

I used to pretend that I was doing fine on my own, and that loneliness didn’t touch me. I didn’t have to answer to anyone, I could do what I wanted when I wanted, and that was how things worked for me. I thought that if I kept up the pretence then it would become the truth, my truth. The fact it kept other people at arm’s length was an added bonus.

Then I was partnered with Tommy Lynley, and Tommy stormed through my carefully erected barricades, laying waste to them as if they were tissue paper thin.

No one had ever done that before. No one had ever dared try.

For all the positives that Tommy has brought to my life, there have been negatives. In tearing down my defences he has made me see things that I had done my best to ignore. Every illusion I carefully created he shattered, forcing me to face up to the real truth of things, and not the one I invented.

But the worst thing, the one I am having the hardest time facing, is that I am capable of love.

The gaping hole in my heart, the one I was left with after my family imploded, well, it has been filled. Tommy has set up residence there.

Sometimes I think he knows. Sometimes I believe that possibly he feels the same. I remember the time he held me; the warmth of his arms as he soothed my fears, the words he whispered as he kissed my hair. Then I remember who we are, more importantly who he is, and I realise that I am fooling myself. I can never be who or what he needs.

And it really hurts, more than I ever thought possible, but it doesn’t stop me dreaming. I have a hundred and one different scenarios that I escape into. Empty fantasies that provide cold comfort now I have experience of the real thing.

I still pretend to Tommy that loneliness doesn't touch me. He asked me about it once, how I managed to live on my own. My answer was the closest I've ever come to telling him just how much I love him. The reality is, I don’t have a handle on loneliness; it can touch me, and it does. Every time I look at Tommy I’m reminded of one thing.

My entire life is a lie.


End file.
